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Wednesday, July 19th 2006

11:44:53 (2962 days, 9h, 45min ago)

Things To Think About:)

  • Mood:

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;

size=3 width="95%" align=center>

Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


!

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

7 Comment(s) / Post Comment

Wednesday, July 19th 2006

11:35:12 (2962 days, 9h, 55min ago)

After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.


After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he
made contact, "Phyllis,Phyllis"



"Is that you, Fred?"




"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."




"What's it like?"




Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I
have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all
afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at
night. The next day it starts again."






"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."





"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."


6 Comment(s) / Post Comment

Wednesday, January 11th 2006

13:03:28 (3151 days, 7h, 27min ago)

Six Classic Affairs

  • Mood: Tired
  • Music: Kiss FM

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary. One day they went
to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up
at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a
healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's
noway I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and  made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever  seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented,"I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home. "I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,  
"Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."     
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you,"
she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and  I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:   
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,   
her  best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest
and let the poison work.!!!"
 

5 Comment(s) / Post Comment

Thursday, January 5th 2006

17:20:38 (3157 days, 3h, 10min ago)

Police Comments

  • Mood:

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.

 

 
5 Comment(s) / Post Comment

Thursday, December 8th 2005

21:51:21 (3184 days, 22h, 39min ago)

George W.

  • Mood:
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
>
> Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were
fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the
kids whatever they wanted.
>
> The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
>
> George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
>
> The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
>
> George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
>
> The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV
and stereo headset!!"
>
> Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
you are handicapped."
>
> The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!"

: )
3 Comment(s) / Post Comment

Thursday, December 8th 2005

21:45:51 (3184 days, 22h, 44min ago)

$100 Tattoo

  • Mood:
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local
Tattoo parlor in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis.

The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely
Well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment,
And said, "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the
List. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your
Wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"

The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist
And told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately.

One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most important of all, ... The next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!


5 Comment(s) / Post Comment

Thursday, November 17th 2005

16:11:05 (3206 days, 4h, 19min ago)

TOP 5 SMART A** ANSWERS FOR 2005 ...according to Reader's Digest:

  • Mood:
  • Music: 107.1 wa1a

TOP 5 SMART A** ANSWERS FOR 2005 ...according to  Reader's Digest:

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate  to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her  hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat  and flashed her.  Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store,  but she  couldn't find one big enough for her family. She  asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"  The  stock boy rep! lied," No ma'am they're dead.


Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped  for speeding rolled down his window.  "I've been waiting  for you all day," the cop said.  The kid replied, "Yeah,  well I got here as fast as I could."  When the cop finally  stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.  A sign  comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."  Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck  under the bridge.  Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car comes up.  The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips  and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says, "No, I  was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW........FOR THE..........BEST ONE..#1 SMART ASS
ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005 .

 A college teacher reminds her cla! ss of tomorrow's final  exam.  "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not  being  here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or  a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your  immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"   A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand  and asked,  "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was  suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The  entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.  When  silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly  at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I  guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

5 Comment(s) / Post Comment

Thursday, November 3rd 2005

15:44:47 (3220 days, 4h, 45min ago)

Couple of Jokes

  • Mood:

Man Say's to a Cop:

*A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the
metal even more.*

*Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no
problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then
110, then 120mph. Suddenly,he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm
too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and
waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.*

*Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of
the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing
her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper*

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dark in Here:

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
She's not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet during their meetings. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in
the closet. The boy now has company.


Boy: "Dark in here."


Man: "Yes it is."


Boy: "I have a baseball."


Man: "That's nice."


Boy: "Want to buy it?"


Man: "No, thanks."


Boy: "My dad's outside."


Man: "OK, how much?"


Boy: "$250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are
in the closet together.


Boy: "Dark in here."


Man: "Yes, it is."


Boy: "I have a baseball glove."


Man: "How much?"


Boy: "$750."


Man: "Fine."


A few days later, the father says to the boy,? Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The
father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The
f! ather says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. Tha t is
way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."

 

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and closes the door.


The boy says, "Dark in here."


The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Sefinatiom of Tragedy:

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a
primary school class, found himself
in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the Reverend
Jackson if he would like to lead the
discussion of the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the
class for an example of a
"tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best
friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor
comes along
and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson,
"that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand. "If a
school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the
exalted
spiritual leader. "That's what
we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other
children
volunteer. Rev. Jackson
searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of
a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a
small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says, "If a plane carrying the Reverend Jackson
were struck
by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson,
"That's right! And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it
sure as hell wouldn't be a great
loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

: )



 

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Thursday, October 20th 2005

23:47:31 (3233 days, 21h, 43min ago)

12 Signs That You May Drink Too Much!

12 Signs That You May Drink Too Much!
 
12. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
 
11. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
 
10. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
 
9. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
 
8. You can focus better with one eye closed.
 
7. You fall off the floor.
 
6. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
 
5. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
 
4. Roseanne looks good.
 
3. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
 
2. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
 
And THE NUMBER 1 sign that you may drink too much is when you wake up like this guy.............................



 

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Monday, October 17th 2005

23:24:13 (3236 days, 22h, 6min ago)

The Nun and the Cabbie

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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver  won't stop staring at her.  She asks him why is he staring.  He replies, "I  have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am  and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child", said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Jeff and I'm going to a Halloween party."
 
Cheers
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